On a Saturday morning three years ago, my son offered to write up something if I would type it for him. He was just shy of his eight birthday then so he dictated it to me, and I typed it up without any changes.
Jacob often expresses what he’s thinking or feeling, or reflecting upon, though humor. In that spirit, on this Good Friday, I’d invite you to enjoy The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Bible:
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One day the enslaved Israelites got out of bed and stuck a pole in the ground with a sign that said, “No Egyptians allowed.” Then they made a little present for the Egyptians. It was a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
Then they went back to bed. But before they did, they ate a Reese’s peanut butter cup.
Then Pharaoh woke up. He went outside and saw the sign that said, “No Egyptians allowed.” So he cut it open and he found the Reese’s peanut butter cup. Then he told the Israelites that they couldn’t eat Reese’s peanut butter cups and that they had to do a bunch of work for Pharaoh.
After tons and tons of work, an Egyptian man came and confronted Pharaoh. His name was Moses. And he told Pharaoh to let the Israelites go out of slavery. And Pharaoh said no. So Moses went to Mount Sinai and spoke to God and said, “Pharaoh isn’t going to let the Israelites go. What should we do?”
God said, “Do not worry. I already have a plan.”
So the next day Moses confronted Pharaoh again and gave Pharaoh the Ten Commandments. But Pharaoh didn’t listen to them. Instead he locked them up in his Non-Following-Rules Place.
So Moses went back to Mount Sinai and said to God, “Do you have another idea?”
And God said, “Yes, I do. And I think it will work.”
The next day, ants came into Pharaoh’s palace and crawled all over Egypt and never hurt the Israelites. And the only thing that the Israelites got to do was eat Reese’s peanut butter cups.
Pharaoh was very disappointed. He asked Moses to ask God to rid the plague. So God rid the plague. But Pharaoh still didn’t release the Israelites.
So God sent tons of frogs to Egypt as the second plague. They were slippery and slimy everywhere. And they came out of the river bank and just kept coming. And the Israelites got to eat as much Reese’s peanut butter cups as they wanted.
Pharaoh was angry. But his bed was also slippery. And one of the biggest problems was that the frogs were eating all of the Reese’s peanut butter cups.
And Pharaoh was very disappointed. He was also hungry for Reese’s peanut butter cups. But he was also tired of trying to kill all the frogs. So he asked Moses to rid the plague. Moses went to Mount Sinai and asked God to rid the plague. But Pharaoh still didn’t release the Israelites.
So God decided to send another plague to Egypt. This time the plague was spiders, crawling all over the place. There was even a giant spider walking around outside. And it ate many Reese’s peanut butter cups. And the ones that the spider didn’t eat, it gave to the Israelites.
Pharaoh was mad. He asked Moses to rid the plague. He said that if God would rid the plague he would follow the Ten Commandments and release the Israelites. So God rid the plague but Pharaoh still didn’t keep his promise.
So Moses went to Mount Sinai and said to God, “Why can’t we just do the worst plague of all?” And God agreed.
So the next day the Egyptians found the only thing they could drink was Crystal Pepsi, with sand in the bottles. And the Israelites got to eat all the Reese’s peanut butter cups.
Pharaoh finally said to Moses, “Tell your God to rid this plague and I will release the Israelites.” And this time Pharaoh kept his promise.
So Moses told God that Pharaoh had promised to release the Israelites if God rid the plague and let the Egyptians eat at least one Reese’s peanut butter cup a day. And God agreed.
So the Israelites were released and Pharaoh got to eat at least one Reese’s peanut butter cup a day.
After a while of eating Reese’s peanut butter cups, the Israelites saw the Egyptians riding in horse cars with Reese’s peanut butter cups in their bags. And Pharaoh himself was leading the army. The Israelites freaked out and dropped their Reese’s peanut butter cups.
But God wasn’t afraid. He sent a blast of fire down blocking the Egyptians. Then Moses went over to the Red Sea and stuck his staff into the water. The water parted and let the Israelites walk across the Red Sea. But when they were halfway across, they saw the Egyptians coming after them. The Egyptians either threw a Reese’s peanut butter cup into the flames or God released the flames. The Israelites were shocked, dropping their Reese’s peanut butter cups into the water where they became soggy and wet. But as the Egyptians were halfway across, the water rushed straight towards them and all the Egyptians drowned and lost all their Reese’s peanut butter cups.
Just in time the Israelites made it to the other shore of the Red Sea. They were very happy that the Egyptians were dead. But they were also hungry and thirsty and tired. So they ate Reese’s peanut butter cups, they drank out of a stone and God also managed to send them down bread that tasted like honey.
After a few months and days, they caught Moses walking behind them instead of in front. They said, “Hurry up, hurry up!” But Moses didn’t say anything. He just dropped his Reese’s peanut butter cups and died. It was a sad time that day.
Once they got to Jerusalem, they buried Moses in a very special graveyard decorated with Reese’s peanut butter cups.
But then suddenly somebody fell on their heads. They got up, flung him off to the ground and asked him, “Who are you?” Then they answered themselves, “It’s probably just another one of those guys like Moses, sent down by God.”
But the man said, “I don’t know about Moses but I must be more important than him cause I am the son of God. But you can call me the son of Reese’s peanut butter cups.” And they looked at each other and said to themselves, “We have no idea what he’s talking about.”
After a while the man, whose name was Jesus, son of Reese’s peanut butter cups, knew that he had to be crucified. It was his job. So when he knew it was time, he gathered twelve of his followers, known as the Twelve Disciples, or the twelve Reese’s peanut butter cups, for a last supper. They ate bread and drank wine.
And Jesus told them, “Bread is my body and wine is my blood.”
Then the twelve disciples look at each other stupidly and said, “Awkward.”
After that Jesus told them, “I’m going outside to pray. You can eat all the Reese’s peanut butter cups and bread.” While Jesus was outside praying, eleven of the twelve disciples went out and sat down by a tree to guard Jesus so nobody would hurt him while he was praying. But they accidentally fell asleep. When Jesus was done praying, he went outside to the twelve disciples. When they woke up they found Jesus staring at them in the face, which was very awkward. And Jesus helped them up after their rest and said, “Next time I’m not going to feed you as much Reese’s peanut butter cups.” Which was also very awkward.
And then he said to them, “I’m done with you for now. Let’s go the Bad-Guy Lair.” The eleven disciples had no idea what he was talking about but they followed him anyway. When they arrived, the first thing that happened to Jesus was that he got kissed on the cheek by one of the Twelve disciples, Judas. The eleven disciples that followed Jesus to the Lair said, “Aww shucks.” Jesus stared at them and said to himself, “I’m totally not going to feed them so many Reese’s peanut butter cups next time.”
Then three men came over to Jesus. And he said, “Handcuff me,” as if he had read their minds. But he didn’t actually read their minds, because they were actually thinking about Reese’s peanut butter cups. So the three men took him to Pontius Pilate.
When he got there Pilate asked him, “You claim yourself to be a Reese’s peanut butter cup king? Are you a king?” Jesus didn’t answer. Then Pilate said to Jesus, “You must answer this question. Is your favorite food Reese’s peanut butter cups?”
Jesus didn’t respond to any of Pilate’s questions. In fact he was so bored listening to these questions he decided to pass away the time by eating Reese’s peanut butter cups. Finally Pilate got so bored of asking him Reese’s peanut butter cup questions, he just took Jesus outside along with another prisoner named Barabbas.
Pilate asked the crowd, “Which one of these should I crucify and which one should I set free?” And the people stopped eating their Reese’s peanut butter cups and shouted to Pilate: “Crucify Jesus.” And then Pilate asked, “What shall I do with Barabbas?” And the people shouted: “Give us Barabbas.”
So Jesus along with two other criminals was given his own cross to carry. Jesus asked Pilate if his cross could be made of Reese’s peanut butter cups. And Pilate said no. Then Jesus said, “Well why can’t I be tied with Reese’s peanut butter cups?” And Pilate said, “We’d eat them and tie you with string instead.” So Jesus said, “All right I’m fine with whatever.”
After six hours on the cross, Jesus took his last breath, ate his last bite of Reese’s peanut butter cups, and slowly closed his eyes. Then two of his disciples took him off the cross and carried him to the tomb. As they were walking him to the tomb, Jesus whispered, “Decorate the tomb with Reese’s peanut butter cups.” So they did exactly as Jesus said, as if it was the last of his commandments.
After that, Pilate ordered two strong and healthy soldiers, who dressed in Reese’s peanut butter cups, to guard the tomb. After a week or two, an angel came by and rolled open the stone that was protecting the tomb. The guards fell over when they saw the angel. The angel went into the tomb and said, “Great, Jesus isn’t here anymore, just as God had expected.” And it was true. The only thing left where Jesus was once lying was Reese’s peanut butter cups.
The angel went back out and before she rolled up the tomb, she left a note on the tomb that said: “Three of Jesus’ disciples who shall visit the tomb, come back in the afternoon and you shall see a big surprise.” So at late morning, three of Jesus’ disciples walked over to the tomb and saw the sign that the angel had left. And it wasn’t the afternoon quite yet. At least, that was what it said on their wrist-watches.
So they went to their house and couldn’t wait for the afternoon. They were so anxious to know what the surprise was. They tried guessing, like, “Is it Reese’s peanut butter cups?” The third disciple said to the others, “We’ll find out when we go back in the afternoon.” So they checked their watches just then, and they saw that it was the afternoon. So they went back to the tomb.
The tomb door was open, the guards fallen down, and an angel was standing in front of the open door that led inside the tomb. The angel led the three disciples of Jesus into the tomb. And they were so amazed at what they saw. They didn’t see Jesus. The only thing they saw was Reese’s peanut butter cups.
They were so amazed that they went back to tell the rest of the twelve disciples and the Israelites who believed in Jesus. So they were about to go back to the tomb with the rest of Jesus’ followers, but then they remembered that Jesus wasn’t in the tomb anymore. So they decided to go look for him. Eventually they came to a trail of Reese’s peanut butter cup crumbs. And they decided that this might lead them to where Jesus was. And once they arrived to the end of the trail, they found Jesus eating Reese’s peanut butter cups.
Once Jesus saw them, he went up to them and said that he would tell them why he died and the importance of him returning to life – and why he liked Reese’s peanut butter cups so much. After a few days of speaking to the twelve disciples, he said goodbye to them and then slowly went into heaven. The disciples waved up the sky to say goodbye to him but just then a Reese’s peanut butter cup fell down. They ate it for Jesus as he had told them to do before he died.
A while later, Pilate went to the tomb. He found the two guards standing there like a piece of dry spaghetti. He asked them how Jesus was doing. They said, “Perfectly dead, sir.” So Pilate said, “You mind if I double-check for you?” And the guards said, “Good, it’s easy to roll over the tomb, don’t worry, cause it’s basically just a giant Reese’s peanut butter cup.” So Pilate rolled over the Reese’s peanut butter cup that led into the tomb and found that just Reese’s peanut butter cups were around. No Jesus at all.
So Pilate went out of the tomb and went to Moses’ grave to speak to him. But Moses wasn’t there. So then he decided to go to Jacob’s grave. No Jacob there either. So he went to Joseph’s grave. No Joseph either. So he went to Adam’s grave. No Adam. So he went to Eve’s grave. Nothing there either.
And by that time he had gone so far back in his time machine that the only thing he could see was dinosaurs.
THE END
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